Creepy Elf

Grand Finale

2011-12-24T20:07:00.000-05:00

After the household crime spree, Sheriff Woody arrests the creepy elf.

The creepy elf has a right to an attorney. Unfortunately, even the lawyer is creeped out by the elf on a shelf.

Justice is served! The creepy elf is sentenced to one year solitary confinement in a maximum security cardboard box. The creepy elf struggles fruitlessly agains the combined might of Superman and Batman, while a heartbroken Barbie looks on, silently wondering why she always falls for bad men. The creepy elf shall be sealed inside the box, and buried amongst all the other Christmas crap in the basement, where he will await his eventual release next holiday season.

Unless the basement floods. Then his soggy little ass is getting thrown away.

Merry Christmas everybody! We hope the creepy elf has brought some joy to your holiday season.

The Hangover

2011-12-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

After one hell of a party, and one hell of a Christmas season, the creepy elf looks a little bit worse for wear.

Party!

2011-12-22T21:26:00.003-05:00

The creepy elf has made some friends, and is having a blow-out party.

It is nice to see that Diego is recovering from being eaten by a crocodile.

We Wuz Robbed!

2011-12-22T14:48:00.006-05:00

The website Baby Rabies had a contest for best photo of an elf on the shelf doing inappropriate things. I submitted a picture of me kidnapping Snow White. (I thought I could get a good ransom from her supposed prince, but he had already moved on some chick named "Cindy Ella." Whatever.)

Well, after conducting a poll, the top 3 elves in voting, as well as 8 others selected by the Rabid Baby blogger were sent to the finals. Guess where I ranked in voting? Out of 110 elves, where do you think I placed?

#4. Of course.

Despite falling short, surely the blogger would recognize how bad-ass I am, and give me one of the 8 other sports. Nope.

That's it, I'm pissed. I'm totally going to tell that blogger's kids that's there is no Santa.

Love,

the creepy elf

(This post was completely written by the creepy elf, and doesn't reflect the opinions of the family with whom he resides.)

Thugs

2011-12-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

After years at the North Pole, the creepy elf decides that he really hates Christmas carols. Unfortunately for these singers, the supervillains prove all too eager to join the Christmas caroler beat down.

Twitter

2011-12-21T16:26:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody. Creepy elf here. I'm on Twitter now, so please follow me: @Creepy_Elf

'Cause I'll certainly be following you.

Playing Doctor

2011-12-20T20:01:00.000-05:00

After his recent bender, the creepy elf convinced Barbie to play "doctor." Oh Barbie, you fool.

Junkie

2011-12-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real.

The needle tears a hole,
The old familiar sting,
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.

Sorry folks. The creepy elf is in a dark place today.

Cruising for some action

2011-12-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

Umm... creepy elf... that is NOT a hooker.

This isn't going to end well, is it?

The Bat Family

2011-12-17T20:00:00.003-05:00

I think the creepy elf has learned not to mess with the Bat-family.

Can I get some fava beans and a nice chianti?

2011-12-16T19:50:00.000-05:00

Baby cannibalism? Wow Creepy Elf, this is a new low, even for you.

The Perils of Blogging

2011-12-16T14:14:00.001-05:00

Last night, I synced my 4-year-old's iPod as we were getting ready for bath time. (Of course the 4-year-old has an iPod. Don't judge. I can't tell you how much peace that thing has brought us.)

The problem? It seems that I left my photo organization software open on the desktop. Even though they were merely tiny thumbnails, the 4-year-old has eagle vision, and she spied some of the photographs featured on this very blog. Let's recap what she said:

"Look, there's a picture of Barbie."

"And the elf!"

"And they are in my Barbie house!!!"

"And they are on the bed! Tee-hee!"

CLICK CLICK CLICK. Close down damn program!

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I swear that we aren't bad parents.

Just Plain Genius?

2011-12-16T07:30:00.001-05:00

Apparently, creepy elves are all the rage.

Check out this blog post at Mom el al: Creative Elf Syndrome (most importantly, the "this lovely couple" part).

Also, the creepy elf has been on Twitter:

And he has been on Pinterest, and more Pinterest.

Please shamelessly share the creepy elf across your social networks.

Dirty Movies

2011-12-15T19:55:00.003-05:00

Creepy Elf: "Hey baby, I can make you a star."
Barbie: "Really?"

Oh Barbie, you just fell for the oldest trick in the book!

Elf Mail Order Bride

2011-12-14T20:00:00.002-05:00

The creepy elf takes a break from his crime spree to peruse the selection of Russian Elf mail order brides.

No, Diego, No!

2011-12-13T21:34:00.002-05:00

Well Diego, I don't think your rescue pack will save you now.

Stealing a Kidney

2011-12-12T20:17:00.002-05:00

Smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, grand theft auto, kidnapping... I suppose selling a baby's kidney on the black market was the next logical step for the creepy elf.

We Crave Validation

2011-12-12T11:59:00.006-05:00

As you know, our household has been victimized by a creepy elf crime spree. The girls' other toys cower in fear of the creepy elf. Surely, some recompense is due.
Well, the website Baby Rabies is having an "Inappropriate Elf" contest. What elf could be more inappropriate than our own creepy elf? Please visit this link, and vote for us at number 73.

According to the rules, you can vote daily, so we'd greatly appreciate your support until voting ends on December 20th. Vote early & vote often. Keep coming back here too, because we will be posting a new creepy elf photo every day until Christmas.

Sorry Fisher Price Little People

2011-12-11T20:05:00.000-05:00

It appears that the creepy elf was under the influence when he carjacked Rapunzel & Flynn. Sorry Fisher Price Little People.

Carjacking

2011-12-10T20:05:00.000-05:00

The creepy elf's crime spree continues.

Snow White Kidnapped!

2011-12-09T21:49:00.006-05:00

The creepy elf and his stormtrooper minions have moved beyond petty gambling, and have now embraced princess kidnapping.

Perhaps the creepy elf should have kidnapped a princess that didn't have a posse of seven dwarves.

Update 12/11:

Hey guys, we're entering this into a contest. Go vote for us at #73:

http://www.babyrabies.com/2011/12/inappropriate-elf-contest/

Update 12/12:
Welcome visitors from Baby Rabies & Pinterest. Please look around this site. As you will see, our creepy little elf has had many other adventures.

Cards with Super Villains

2011-12-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

Dudes, seriously, is this a Thursday night thing?

Wait... is that Catwoman in his lap? Batman is not going to be happy.

Dora

2011-12-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

And Dora thought Swiper was a pain in the ass...

Busted

2011-12-06T20:25:00.003-05:00

Ew. I guess this explains why the creepy elf always has his hands in his lap.

Barbie, again

2011-12-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

Oh Barbie. I expected that from Bratz, but not you.

Creepy Elf Maintenance

2011-12-05T10:37:00.002-05:00

I did a search for "Elf on the Shelf" on Twitter, and the many of the mentions are reminders for parents to move their Elf on the Shelf each night. (For those of you who aren't hip to the fundamentals of Shelf Elf upkeep, he is supposed to be moved each evening so that your children know that he is stalking them, and can thus become properly paranoid.)

Silly people. Obviously we have provided the solution. If you take a photo of your Elf in compromising positions each evening, then surely you will remember to move him. I doubt we own the only deviant elf out there.

(Just be wary of your Barbie collection. Shelf Elves have a demonstrated proclivity for them.)

Beauty and the Beast

2011-12-04T20:30:00.001-05:00

Uh-oh Creepy Elf. What did you do? Beast looks pissed.

Jessie & Buzz

2011-12-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

Woody will be so disappointed...

Elmo

2011-12-02T23:21:00.000-05:00

OMG!!! Don't attack Elmo! Crazy creepy elf.

Super Villains

2011-12-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

Really creepy Elf? Street craps in my dining room with super villains?

Wonder Woman

2011-12-02T23:15:00.003-05:00

Looks like Creepy Elf on the Shelf messed with the wrong woman. You go Wonder Woman! Amazons rule!

Barbie

2011-12-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

Creepy Elf on the Shelf is now corrupting Barbie. Great!

Jeremiah Weed

2011-12-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

Geez, I go out to walk the dog and the Elf on the Shelf is partying! I knew that dude was creepy.

Christmas 2011: The Creepy Elf arrives

2011-12-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a holiday known for its traditions. Accordingly, some entrepreneurs have created "The Elf on the Shelf," which is essentially a commercial gambit masquerading as a cherished family tradition. Why bother to pass down family traditions when you can buy one at the store, right?

The concept is thus: you stick the elf on a shelf in your house, and he watches your children. Every night, he flies back to Santa, and reports on your children's behavior. The next morning, you are supposed to put him on a different shelf to illustrate to your gullible kids that he had indeed returned to the North Pole at night to report on their personal foibles to the House Committee on Un-Santa-ian activities.

Creepy, right? I'm supposed to endorse an invasion of privacy as a cherished family tradition.

Naturally, my mother bought one.

Welcome to my house Elf. Don't get into too much trouble.